Coping with the Fallout from an Emotional Affair
Filed under: Relationships ????????? ????????? ????????? Written by andrea ????????? ????????? ????????? ????????? ????????? ????????? ????????? ????????? ?????????- ?She keeps talking about this guy at work, and I?m feeling really jealous?
- ?After several years of marriage, we?ve grown apart. I?m sure he?s seeing someone, and I feel so alone?
- ?I found out my partner is talking to this woman online; he says it?s not sexual but it makes me feel so wretched?
- ?If he must have these relationships, why is he talking to her and not me ? what?s so special about her??
Emotional affairs are painful and confusing, and they leave so many unanswered questions:
- ?What has she got that I don?t??
- ?Why is he doing this to me??
- ?How did we get to this point??
- ?Who is he seeing?
- ?What is she getting up to at work??
An emotional affair is an intense relationship that has not crossed the sexual boundary.
?But it?s only an emotional affair. Why am I feeling so betrayed??
There is a great temptation to imagine that an emotional affair has much less impact than a sexual affair, but it isn?t true ? trust is something that takes years to build and moments to destroy, and an emotional affair destroys trust every bit as effectively as a sexual affair. It?s not the affair itself that is the problem, it?s the lies, the deceit and the feeling that you?re going nuts that cause the pain.
Emotional affairs
Emotional affairs are very common in long-term relationships. At the start of relationship, hormones are flowing and excitement is high. As the relationship matures, the hormones back off, the novelty fades, and defences begin to play a greater and greater role. I?m not suggesting that anyone consciously chooses to start an emotional affair, it?s just that, given the right circumstances, these things can just happen without our intending them to.
The ?right? circumstances
The ?right? circumstances come about because we all have different ideas about how relationships work and what we need to do for each other in order to be happy. What does this mean? Let?s illustrate this with an example:
| maybe you are feeling: | or, maybe you are feeling: |
|---|---|
| maybe you are the kind of person that needs to feel close to your partner in order to feel OK in the world | or, maybe you are the kind of person that likes to do things for other people, and you get a kick out of their happiness |
| As the relationship matures and these defences emerge, arguments become more common: | |
| maybe you are feeling: | or, maybe you are feeling: |
|
|
?I feel so betrayed; is it worth trying to fix it??
The answer is, it depends. It is possible to recover, but it is painful, and it will take time. I guess you have to ask yourself the question, ?Do I want it to work?? If the answer to that question from both of you is, ?Yes? then there will be a way.
How do we get back to the way things were in the beginning?
- The first step is to draw a line in the sand, and agree that, whatever has happened in the past, from now on you are both going to focus on building trust. If you have told lies, ?fess-up and start afresh.
- You need to accept what you both have done and not get into the blame game ? don?t point the finger at your partner and don?t beat yourself up. You might want to blame yourself for being selfish, or you might feel guilty that you didn?t do enough ? accept it, own it, share it.
- Your feelings are what they are, and you need to just give up on the desire to control them, accept that they are there, and talk about them, especially the ones you really do not want to talk about.
- The trouble with talking about feelings is it?s difficult to do without them taking over, and then you can end up in a cycle of arguments before you know it. You need to find a way to TALK ABOUT your feelings without ACTING on them.
- People have different relationship needs, and it?s usually the case that partners have complementary, but different, sets of needs. Maybe you have been wrong in assuming that your partner sees the world the way that you do. Maybe when you both understand where each other is coming from you can take account of that and work out how to make your relationship so deeply satisfying you won?t need to look elsewhere.
How can couple counselling help?
I can help you with all of the above.
- I provide a safe, secure and confidential environment where you both can explore and come to terms with the trauma of this emotional affair.
- I can teach you how to talk about emotions, and provide you with structures and techniques that will allow you to talk about the most painful things without getting derailed into arguments.
- I can help you analyse your arguments and identify the patterns that lead to friction.
If you would like to work with me to improve your relationship contact me
Google+Andrea Sheehy is qualified couple, relationship and marriage counsellor with over 20 years experience. Andrea's practice is based in Hinckley which is on the border of Leicestershire and North Warwickshire. For more information about how couple counselling helps, visit her website
Contact?her?on?? 01455?612?167
Copyright Andrea Sheehy 2010. All rights reserved.
Disclaimer: The content is for general information only and may or may not relate to your individual situation. If this article raises concerns please speak to a professional in your area
Source: http://www.andrea-sheehy.com/wordpress/coping-with-the-fallout-from-an-emotional-affair/
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